I look back up at the clock. It's fifteen minutes until it's time. But they always come early, don't they? I thought they'd be here by now. No worries. They said they'd be here at 5:00 sharp. It's not 5:00 yet, is it?

I hope they haven't eaten yet. I really want a burger. I haven't had a good burger from Wendy's in ages. I miss those. They always had the best. But the youngest doesn't like them. Maybe we'll all go out somewhere else instead. As long as we're all happy.

I log online. There's one of them. I chat it up with him for what feels like hours. The door knocks. I tell him I'll see him later, and I promise him that. I know not to break promises with my brother. I know how much a promise means to him. Maybe, I think, promises should mean more to me too. I haven't had anyone to really connect to for a good long while besides him and...

Him and him. There they are at the door.

"Hey," I say casually. Like this is no big deal. But it is a big deal. Why do I toss this off as casual meeting? I've been thinking about this moment ever since I first heard about it over the phone. And it's here. What the hell is wrong with me? For weeks I've been looking forward to it, and now, I drop the ball.

What can I possibly say to you? I can't come off looking like a pussy, like a coward, like one of these starving artists who talks about everyone's freedom of expression and how our society is coming crumbling down. I'm the big brother. I'm the oldest. I have to be strong. I have to be. I hope you know what I mean when I forget to tell you, I hope that I convey it well enough, even if I sometimes act like I don't care. But I do care. That's what I want to tell you.

How much I would miss you if you went where I couldn't follow.

But I can't. Not to your face. Not when I hear you talking. So, sorry. I'm not even saying that, though. Apologizing for what you might not even know. Do you know? Should I ask? No, I'd look like a coward. And here I go again. Better just shut my mouth and keep it inside. Later, I think. I'll tell you later.

Of course, there will come a point one of us has to go and that'll be the last goodbye. Hope I can articulate it well enough then. Only the really good goodbyes are the ones where we know it's going to be the last time that we'll meet. Lots of people don't get that. But which is better? Knowing it's going to be the last time or not? I can't figure that out.

Maybe I can let you know about all of that soon enough, before that last goodbye. No, not maybe. Enough maybe. It's always maybe. I'll tell you one of these days.

I promise.

My brother.