The 5 Worst Pyrrhic Victories

Winning is awesome. Losing is not as awesome. Therefore, you should always try to win. Right? Well, maybe not.

A “Pyrrhic victory” is defined as “a victory with severe cost to the victor,” named for a battle in ancient Greece where a small army's victories made the army even smaller. It's a bad, but by no means the worst, example of how “win at any cost” doesn't really work in wartime. As these five battles prove, sometimes being number one is a bunch of number two.

5. The Battle of the Imjin River

The “Winner:” Communist Chinese forces.

The Battle: In March of 1951, The Communist Chinese army pretty much had their asses handed to them by the UN Forces, losing a lot of ground in the process. Deciding that losing sucked, China launched the Chinese Spring Offensive to get back some ground, some supplies, and their collective Commie balls. The idea was to take Seoul, South Korea.

So, on April 22, the Chinese went up against a line of UN soldiers at the Imjin River in Korea. Over the next several hours, Chinese forces managed to ford the river and make it across, after several attempts each time. By “several attempts,” I mean “lots of them got killed trying.” The bigger problem, though, was that the UN forces consisted mostly of British soldiers. The Brits, legendary for their snootiness, refused to go down quietly, holding the hills around the river for three days before they finally retreated north.

In particular, the Gloucestershire Regiment ended up being cut off from the main force on a position called Hill 235 as they tried to retreat. The Chinese had them surrounded on all sides, and were sure it would be easy to get this over with. What they didn't count on was the number of trucks needed to house the giant testicles of their opponents. The Brits held Hill 235 for two more days before they were finally captured, even though they weren't able to be airdropped any supplies or get any backup.

With a force of 600,000 troops, the Communist Chinese army lost 10,000 men conquering the hills. Not too bad right? Wrong. The UN Forces, comprised of 340,000 troops, only lost 1,091 soldiers.

Not to mention, the Chinese 63rd Army was forced to withdraw from battle, having lost over a third of its men. A few days later, the UN Forces, including some of those that ran from Imjin River, held off the Chinese at the No-Name Line near Seoul, and the Chinese army never made it into the city, causing the already fractured morale of China to sink even lower. It reinvigorated the life of the UN troops, especially the British, as the bravery of the Gloucestershire Regiment spread far and wide.

The British delivered the wartime equivalent of a kick to the Chinese's Commie balls.

4. The Battle of Bunker Hill

The “Winner:” The British Redcoats.

The Battle: Speaking of Britain and humiliation, America delivered their own giant collective middle finger at England in the American Revolutionary War. The year was 1775, and the British Redcoats were looking to silence the upstart Americans. Pip pip.

On June 13th, the Americans learned the Brits were coming to take Boston over Bunker Hill and Breed's Hill. As is typical of upstarts, the Americans didn't quietly follow the rules and wait to get trampled, instead setting up a bunch of forts on the hills made with dirt. (In their defense, dirt was pretty easy to come by.) Four days later, the British found their leisurely stroll was no longer so leisurely. The Redcoats, determined to teach them some upstarts, went ahead and attacked the forts anyways, presumably with their noses upturned at the uncleanliness of the forts.

Their attack was repelled. This is supposedly the battle where the colonists were told not to fire “until you see the whites of their eyes,” meaning “only shoot them when you might actually hit them! Do I look like a goddamn ammo dump?” It proved effective enough to repel the British again before the Americans ran out of ammo.

The British captured Breed's Hill and Bunker Hill at the end of the day, despite losing over 1.000 troops to the Americans 450, and the reinforcement of the belief that the untrained, unorganized colonists could fight just as well as the trained British Redcoats in a pitched battle. Upstarts were, indeed, not taught.

But, the British seemed to have learned their lesson, and vowed never to do anything that stupid ever again.

That is, until...

3. The Battle of Guilford Court House

The “Winner:” The British Redcoats.

The Battle: Things were definitely looking a lot better for Britain six years after the lack of teaching of some upstarts. In 1781, Britain had Georgia and South Carolina, and was in full snooty mode. General Lord Cornwallis, especially, had an overflow of snootiness that made him think he could make his infantry lighter if he burned all their supplies. Rest assured, this strategy makes an army much lighter. But it also pisses off a lot of soldiers.

Upon hearing that the upstarts were marching to meet the Redcoats, Cornwallis led his men to what is now Greensboro, North Carolina, and the upstart-teaching got on in full force. However, it was here that the Americans showed off some of that patented “use whatever the fuck you can” strategy that made them so upstarty. The Americans used fence posts for better aim, armed the roads with cannons, and hid in the woods to make bayonet use impractical.

Despite being outnumbered over five to one, the Redcoats did manage to win the day, in part to the aforementioned snooty factor, and in part because the Americans lines were hundreds of yards apart, and no one had the good sense to invent the radio yet. But in doing so, the British lost over a quarter of their own men, some to friendly fire, apparently because some of the British soldiers didn't know not to shoot the fucking red guys.

Cornwallis, high on snootiness and victory, decided to do the next logical step and invade Virginia with the troops he lad left... leaving the southern colonies the Brits had re-conquered to be re-re-conquered by the Americans. And then, several years later, the Brits got the ultimate insult... when Mel Gibson proceeded to show the snooty British a thing or two in the movie The Patriot.

2. Napoleon's Invasion of Russia

The “Winner:” France.

The Battle: This was more along the lines of a campaign that turned out bad than one single battle, but it deserves mention because of the sheer soul-crushing circumstances.

In 1812, the short but amazingly war-competent Napoleon Bonaparte invaded Russia because - as noted by many historians after careful study over many years of headaches, debates and frustrations - it was there and Napoleon hadn't conquered it yet. So, in went the Grande Armée (literally, “big army” - Napoleon had serious issues with size, remember) to Russia with a force of over 600,000 troops.

When Napoleon's troops met with the Red Army, the Russians fled to the east. Napoleon was notorious for attacking at every opportunity, so seeing an easy chance to attack here, he obviously... didn't attack. Perhaps he'd already found too much of that Russian vodka. Turns out he wouldn't find much else, as the Russians employed “scorched earth” tactics, meaning destroying the land as you flee so your enemy can't use anything you left behind. Kind of like what a president does just before he leaves office.

Finally, on September 7th, the French and Russians fought in the Battle of Borodino, the bloodiest battle in history to that point. With 44,000 Russians and 35,000 French killed, it was a wonder there was any uncovered earth left to scorch. Although the French technically won the battle, Napoleon had hoped the battle would be much more decisive and less costly. So apparently, he hadn't planned on getting 35,000 of his troops killed that day.

The Russians fled past Moscow, and, proving just how serious they were about the whole “scorched earth” thing, decided they would rather burn Moscow down themselves than give it to Napoleon. With only about 100,000 troops left, Napoleon packed his little bags and headed home. But, God wanted to join in the fun of kicking some Napoleonic ass, because the bitter, harsh winter they had to travel back through ensured less than 40,000 men made it back to France alive.

Being short was, suddenly, the least of Napoleon's worries.

1. Unternehmen Bodenplatte

The “Winner:” Nazi Germany.

The Battle: As 1945 rolled around the corner, it was becoming increasingly clear that the Nazis were grasping at straws. Russia was quickly closing in from the east, and Germany was being pounded into the dirt by Allied air support. A plan was set into motion to do something about the air strikes (because, as we all know, it wasn't like Russia was any threat) by taking out Allied air strips in Belgium, France and the Netherlands, by using Germany's own air force in an attack run on New Year's Day of 1945.

Right from the get-go, the plan turned into one giant clusterfuck for the Third Reich.

For one thing, nobody had bothered telling some Flak on the way to the Allied airstrips about the attack, so many of the planes were shot down by friendly fire before they even made it out of Germany. A few were even shot down on the way back. You would think “tell our anti-aircraft gunners about an air strike” would be on the checklist somewhere. You would think wrong. Not to mention, because there was no safe place in Germany to train pilots without fear of getting shot down by this point, the pilots on the mission were all inexperienced rookies. The Germans were doing the equivalent of having a four-year-old “see what that noise was” in a horror movie.

When the planes actually made it to these Allied airfields, the success was a crapshoot. While a few airfields were heavily damaged (including one in Belgium with intense dogfighting from Polish spitfires,) only four suffered major casualties. Four other airfields had light damage, and two more weren't affected at all. In fact, one German squadron couldn't even find the airfield they were supposed to attack.

Remember that thing about “inexperienced rookies?” Yeah. I wasn't kidding.

In total, 495 Allied aircraft were destroyed or taken out of commission. The Germans lost 280 aircraft, with 69 more damaged. In the short-term, it was a success. The very short-term, that is. The Allied planes were replaced within, at most, a few weeks. All of the airfields were back to full strength by the end of January. The Nazi losses were irreplaceable, leaving the German air strength weaker than ever. So weak, in fact, they never launched another major assault again.

Much like ending up in the slammer for DUI on New Year's Eve, it was a sign that the new year was not going to go well for Nazi Germany.